Refresh

I’ve taken a break for a while.

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This is why I call myself a ‘bad blogger’.

 

Because I’m so shit at putting up posts.

 

Nevertheless, here I am!

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I’ve found it really difficult to think of anything to write.

 

Whenever I focus on an idea, it morphs into 5 different ones and I stop myself because I don’t want to post something so vague.

 

I like to think of an idea, a fully-formed one, think about all angles, create many drafts, edit a million times and then decide on what photographs to put in.

 

I’m a perfectionist;

 

There’s ups and downs to being a perfectionist. In ways I put so much thought into everything I do, in other ways sometimes it’s better to let go.

 

Yoga helps me so much with this, to just let things be. To observe.

 

Always changing. Always working on myself.

 

Always trying to be honest.

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I’ve been really wrapped up in work, and before I know it a few months have gone by and there’s nothing new on the blog. I’m still absolutely loving my job. I am so grateful for it every day – and so proud of myself for getting to this point.

 

Between working so much, focusing on my yoga practise, hanging out with friends this summer and taking weekend trips, I put the blog on the back burner.

 

Soz.

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I feel like it needs a change. A focus; a new direction.

 

But I haven’t figured out what that is, or what I want it to be.

 

I always put a lot of pressure on myself in everything I do, which is why I don’t want my blog to become another source of pressure.

 

My last post was all about doing things for yourself; the self-love vibes. Any spare time I get, I spend on doing things for myself.

 

What would you like to see on here though?

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As I’m getting older, my thoughts and values have changed so much. My view of the world; my view of myself. Maybe that should be a new post. *distraction*

 

Everything is great over here, and I hope you’re taking good care of yourself.

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*mistake selfie*

Basically I just wanted to update you all, and say thanks for reading my hella sporadic posts.

 

There’s new things coming; new sporadic things.

 

Love to you all,

 

Namaste,

 

Amy xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just for you

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Let’s think about doing things just for you.

In the same way you would take time to restore your muscles, it’s important to take time to restore your emotions.

Hard core self love.

I take a lot of time to listen to my body and my mind, because I really think that’s where all the answers come from.

I suppose it’s a meditation in a way; the key is awareness.

Knowing what your body actually needs to feel good, the same for your mind, helps you to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Do more things for you.

Things that make you feel good.

Dance on your own. Twerk it all out if you feel like it.

Laugh at yourself.

Be conscious of your personal development.

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Of course it’s easier said than done, it’s hard to find the time, but I think you can always make time.

I love taking the time to reevaluate where I’m at. What I want going forward. Making sure I know what actually makes me feel good. Be candid and honest with yourself. Being honest with yourself is damn hard, but trust me, it’s worth it.

I feel like every time I do this something changes. I feel more focussed. More bad ass. 

All the feel good vibes.

Connect to yourself fully.

And trust yourself.

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I know a few people who seem to find it difficult to spent time on their own. Give it a try. I take a lot of time to do things that truly serve me – maybe even too much – and they usually involve being alone.

But I’ve found that the more love you can give to yourself, the more love you can give to others. It grows exponentially.

There’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

Love yourself.

And treat YO’SELF.

Know that there will always be aspects of fear in your life, you are only human. I’m my own worst critic too – take a step back and trust.

Life can get a bit much sometimes, we can get caught up in the daily grind. Always having so much to do, what’s the next task, the next move. It sounds cheesy AF but slow it all down, be a bit more in the moment. Take it all in.

I do a lot of yoga (quite often in my underwear … why the fuck not) and I take a lot of baths. I spend a lot of time with my animals, go for walks, take in my surroundings. I dance. I laugh a lot with my friends. I listen to music far too loud. That’s what makes me feel good. When I write, I go into total hermit mode, and sometimes that’s just what I need.

Be aware of yourself,

but be light and go with ease.

What do you do, just for you?

 

Namaste,

Amy xx

To be female

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Feminist: A person who advocates the social, political & economic equality of the sexes.

This post is going to be a ramble of thoughts, I just know it.

I legit don’t even know where to start.

Let’s start with me because that’s easy to do.

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I’m a person who finds a powerful drive and strength within my own solitude. I thrive and enjoy my own ‘raw-ness’. I think when you are quiet, alone, you are the most ‘you’ that you can be. The true expression of a woman is nothing less of pure beauty. I explore and relish in the feminine physical, sexual and mental side of my true self. It is ever-changing, evolving. Interesting. Challenging. Rewarding. Never stagnant.

Throughout life women are taught to be sexy, but not too sexy. Strong, but not threatening. Pretty, but not too pretty. Tough, but soft. The list goes on.

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Women are amazing. We are so powerful. So beautiful and so worth celebrating.

So are men.

Give yourself time today and every other day, to appreciate yourself. To love yourself fully. To make time for yourself.

Because you’re worth it *hair flip*

Love to all my sistas and brothas on this fabulous day. International Women’s Day. Let’s build eachother up. Love love love. Celebrate.

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I wanna take some time to express the need for support for the #repealthe8th marches going on in Ireland today and around the world.

We deserve the right to bodily autonomy and basic healthcare in this country.

It is not the place of this country, Ireland, or the church, to have any say over our bodies.

We won’t wait.

Wear black today.

Show your support.

March if you can.

#Strike4Repeal.

Twelve women everyday leave Ireland seeking abortion abroad.

No more women should die in this country after being denied life saving abortion procedures.

The fact that a woman can get longer in jail for abortion than a man can for rape in this country is fucked up and it needs to change. So much more to say, but –

We won’t wait. #repealthe8th

 

Love to you all,

Namaste,

Amy xx

2017

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I know I’m late.

But how late is too late?

2017. Wait… 2016.

Let’s talk about 2016.

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2016 was  one of the hardest and best years of my life thus far. Let’s start from the beginning.

January was filled with #yogacamp by the wonderful Adriene Mishler – see my post about it here. I learned self-love, confidence, trusting in myself. It changed me.

February I started to step out of my comfort zone. I went on dates. I kept up the fitness – LWRHIITIN4. My body changed dramatically.

I bought my first car and got insured. I started to drive and tasted that freedom for the first time.

I became closer to female friends, lost some, gained some. I felt I only truly started to understand the beauty of women and all that we are.

I agreed to do my first photo-shoot for a hair salon. I didn’t know what I was getting into. I took the leap, I couldn’t believe I did it. I let the hairstylist do what she wanted to my hair. I felt such empowerment and freedom from this experience (I wasn’t thrilled with the new look … but hey that was part of the process!)

I saw Beyoncé in June. Formation World Tour. BEYONCÉ. What?! B.E.Y.O.N.C.É. That night legit changed my life. So much happiness, so much strength. So. Much. Love.

I passed my driving test first time.

I spent the sunny Irish summer (max. 3 weeks… maybe…) lying in my back garden, mostly naked, listening to music and reading books. All day everyday for those 3 weeks. I enjoyed this time with myself so much and will never forget it.

I got a job. I got the job. I got a job that I always wanted. I cried with happiness, I welcomed the challenge. I still love it.

I stayed vegan all this year. I don’t think I will ever go back. It gives me such gratitude and respect for all living things.

I overcame so many mental issues. So many downfalls, tears, difficulty… within myself. I worked through it. I had the strength and drive to want better for myself. I can’t say I solved everything ….there is always work to be done (Do you ever really ‘get there’?). But I achieved so much and have come so far. I am not even close to the person I was this time last year. I learned to love myself. I learned to give love.

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2017.

This year tho.

This gon’ be my year tho.

Let’s just list out some things/thoughts for 2017, cause that’s what people do, right?

I want to explore my creativity, fully, now that I have recognised how much joy it gives me. And to explore that through many different outlets. Write more on the blog, pull back on the perfectionism … you’re just writing about you and the things that you love.

I want to continuously remind myself to take responsibility for my own happiness.

I want to continue to practise yoga, daily, because I know how good it makes me feel.

I want to get fitter and push the boundaries of that, but with ease and awareness.

I want to continue to challenge myself in my work, and push myself to learn and succeed.

I want to love more. I know that I have the capacity and it is in my nature, but past hurt has made me wary, less giving. I want to let go of that fear, and I want to give love to the people in my life that matter so much to me. *Don’t cry*

I want to laugh more and stop being so god damn serious (if you read my blog you will totally get this!)

I want to travel more and see more of the world, and through this learn more about myself.

Finally, something I’ve really been working on and getting somewhere with, is to apologise less. Stop apologising. You are who you are. You know who you are. You love who you are.

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A lot of negative things happened in 2016. A lot of sad things, scary things. Things I never imagined would happen, and things I am not going to comment on or discuss here. All I will say is, keep your focus on love. Love will conquer, and there is always love to be found if you look hard enough.

Happy New Year.

Feel free to comment… to discuss things you’ve overcome in 2016, goals you have for the new year, or just to have a chat, please do so down below… or tweet me @amylauren_b

Thank you so much to everyone who has read my blog over the past year, it means a lot more to me than you might think! I wish you all the best for the year ahead.

So. Much. Love.

Namaste,

Amy xx

P.s.   First full moon of 2017 last night. I’m relishing in it, and viewing it as the ‘real’ New Year. Celebrate. Be present. Enjoy!

Strength

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I’ve tried to write this post so many times. For a few months now I’ve had overwhelming thought processes on what it means to be a strong woman, and how the word ‘strong’ makes me feel.

Firstly I’d like say that I’ve taken full responsibility for the paths in life I’ve chosen so far, and I have grown to love myself, my mind and my body. That is a feeling I never thought I would have.

Reading my past posts on this blog naturally make me cringe, because I have changed so much. But I respect that I wrote certain things at a time that I felt appropriate, and in a way it documents part of my journey.

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However, looking back, I was still in denial about certain aspects of my life. To be more specific, I was unaware of the damaging effects my last relationship had on my self-esteem, and how it induced a heavy anxiety that I never had before. It scared me to be so honest with myself. Recently I was having a discussion with someone about the different types of abuse in relationships. It’s easy to recognise and quantify physical abuse, as horrible as it is, because it is visible in a physical form. Emotional abuse however, is so difficult to see, and the scars left in the aftermath can last a lifetime for some people. I was afraid to admit to myself that I had experienced years of emotional abuse, but once I did, everything changed. I started recognising that my anxiety, my low self esteem and all that came with it, were the scars that were left over that had to be healed.

All of the above realisations happened a very long time ago. I’ve taken responsibility for my own happiness. I have fallen in love with learning about myself, exploring my body, my sexuality and my mind. I am so grateful for the tough times because without them I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t have the confidence and strength I have now.

There truly is beauty in pain, and strength in vulnerability. It is such a good feeling to be 100% yourself with no apologies. I feel constantly inspired by the amazing women in my life, the ability to put on a smile and keep going no matter what is going on underneath. I feel empowered. I feel proud of myself for having the strength to work on my mind and explore the origins of my negative thinking. I feel proud of my mother, my sisters, my beautiful female friends, who can, all in their own way, make something blossom out of something negative.

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In the end, it all comes down to love. Even in the hardest of times, it is love that pulls us out. Love for ourselves, our families, friends and partners. Love your scars. I am constantly surprised that no matter how much you think you have been knocked down, there is always more love to give.

I feel it’s an exciting time to be a woman, something to celebrate. With albums from artists like Beyoncé, Solange, A Tribe Called Quest, and many more touching on the sexualisation of women, the divide between the sexes, and the empowerment of women all over the world. We need to lift each other up. We need to celebrate our strengths and know that it is infinite. You are all amazing and don’t be afraid to accept every part of yourself. Don’t underestimate your strength.

“There is no such thing as a weak woman” – Beyoncé

“I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me” – Maya Angleou

Love to you all,

Namaste,

Amy xx

Where Have I Been?

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I’m not even sure how to start this!  I’ve been in a blogging drought since May and I feel like I need to explain myself.  However that’s very hard when it’s difficult to pin point exactly how you’re feeling.

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So for ages I haven’t been happy with how the blog was going, how I was putting in that work, what I was writing about etc.  I wanted to keep things more personal, more real, more relatable… and less about products and material things.  But when you want to make that kind of change, you have to have feelings or experiences to write about.  My best posts were written when I was going through a big change in my life, and those sorts of big changes don’t come around often.  So then I feel this pressure to feel, to be different and to learn, but you can’t force that kind of thing.  On top of that I am currently unemployed and looking for work, so as much as I love blogging I really have to give 95% percent of my time into changing that.  I’m letting y’all know this because things are hopefully going to be different from now on.

I don’t want my posts to be as long or as intricate because even though I push myself to keep a high standard of content, it stops me from being consistent.  It becomes this big thing in my mind and the pressure I put on myself scares me out of just completing it.  So I want my posts to be shorter, more concise, more direct.  And on any topic I’m thinking about that week or whatever is relevant to my experiences at that time.

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I want to feel more connected to whoever reads my blog, I want to have good conversations and interactions, so please feel free to tweet me or comment on my instagram and we can start to feel more together.

The photos taken for this post were in Bray, Co. Wicklow, Ireland – on a much needed trip recently to clear my head.

I love you all so much and thanks to anyone who takes time out of their day to read anything here,

Love and light,

Namaste,

Amy xx

UPDATE : So I wrote this post two days ago intending to post it today.  As of two days ago, I NOW HAVE A JOB!  A job I have wanted for a really long time and I am so excited to start.  I wanted to include this, because it’s funny how just as I write about it something changes.  That’s just life though isn’t it!  Love to all you gorgeous people!!

Getting Fitter with Lucy Wyndham-Read #LWRHIITIN4

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I first discovered Lucy’s videos through the SacconeJolys channel on youtube and was completely inspired by Anna Saccone’s body transformation.  Much like me, she didn’t want to particularly lose weight but wanted to feel stronger and fitter.  Lucy used to be in the Army and is a qualified personal trainer, among many other things, with over 20 years experience in the Health & Fitness industry.  When I was a teenager I used to run a lot …  Then I grew bigger boobs and started drinking, as you do, and just completely lost interest in it all.  When I was in boarding school I used to go for a 15 minute run … purely for my mental health.  Then college happened, more unhealthy living, and here I am a year after graduating.

As some of you may know I went through a tough breakup last October (Read about it here… ‘A Bit More Personal…’, and shortly after this I decided to try some of Lucy’s videos on top of my daily yoga routine. I really enjoyed the choice of workouts on her channel, how quick they were and how motivated she made me feel.  I did one of these every week.  In January, I followed YogaCamp with YogaWithAdriene and felt fitter physically, but most of the change was mental (Read about this here..‘How Yoga Camp with ‘Yoga With Adriene’ Changed Me).

After January I found a new drive and motivation to do things for myself, things that I enjoy. And I decided I wanted to feel stronger physically, to match some changes I had made mentally. I started doing a few targeted workouts each day, arms, abs, thighs…. My legs were my main focus, they completely lacked strength and any muscle at all really. At this point, I probably did 3 workouts a week.  THEN LWRHIITIN4 HAPPENED!

WEEK 1 LWR

So Lucy decided to upload a video every single day in April to her youtube channel consisting of a 4 minute workout.  I was pleasantly surprised that after the first day I felt I could do so much more that just the 4 minutes, which is probably attributed to using her videos in the previous few months.  They got progressively harder, each week, with one rest day per week. Getting into that daily routine helped me so much and after the first few days, I would do the hiit workout, then an arm workout, and either abs or thighs after that. I couldn’t believe how much fitter I got and how I ACTUALLY ENJOYED being worked to the limit! Something I used to hate! But as she always says ‘When it challenges us, is when it changes/tones us.’ So I felt her words going through my head every time something felt difficult. Now I crave that, I feel odd if I don’t work out for one day. I’m so happy with the outcome.  Physically, I look and feel more toned all over! Arms, abs, thighs, calves… even my chest! These days, I do her daily video workout, 2 arm workouts, 180 rep abs (my favourite – 180 Rep Ab Workout – the five best moves for a curvy waistline) and a thigh routine. I think back to the time when 1 arm workout was all I could handle for the day.  So even though you might not believe it, 4 minutes really is all it takes to get fitter. The picture above, and the 3 below are screenshots of each week of the challenge so you can get a taste of what they look like before you start!  Each exercise is only 20 seconds.

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WEEK 3 LWR

WEEK 4 LWR

I have a serious amount of love and respect for this woman.  She is strong, and beautiful, and so so caring towards her followers.  We can avail of a personal trainer all for free.  Also beware of some serious fitness wear envy…she always has the best outifts! She wants you to be happy and get fit and strong, and that is apparent in her videos and the amount of effort she puts in.  So much so, that she has a new challenge for May, Lucy’s 100 reps a day…. that I’ve already started! A new challenge is so good for motivation.  Her tagline ’Fall in love with fitness’ could not be a more real description for what she does for people…

I’ll leave a link to her lwrhiitin4 here –4 Minute HIIT Workout Challenge – and no matter what month you’re in, the videos will always be there and you can start from Week 1 Day 1. Also, anyone who is doing lucy’s 100 reps a day challenge tweet me so we can all encourage eachother to be the best version’s of ourselves! LUCY’S SQUAD, OUT! *mic drop*

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this,

Namaste,

Amy xx

How Yoga Camp with ‘Yoga With Adriene’ Changed Me

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Towards the end of last year I went through a huge change, a break-up, something I discussed in my ‘A Bit More Personal..’ post (have a read if you want to get up to date with me!).  I was struggling with self-love, and Christmas was particularly difficult for me.  New Years was even worse.  I so desperately wanted things to change.  I wanted to go into 2016 with a positive outlook, and most importantly, start doing things for myself for once.  So when I heard ‘Yoga with Adriene’s’ Adriene Mishler was starting a 30 day Yogacamp for the month of January, completely free, with a video uploaded every single day, I was sold.  I signed up, and got my first email which included the YogaCamp Calendar.  I printed it out and marvelled at all the beautiful mantras I was yet to experience.  The whole idea seemed too good to be true, and I feel the universe was helping me by bringing it to my attention.  It was exactly what I needed, and was aimed to tackle my largest problem at the time, self-love.

On January 1st, it all started.  The first video was an introduction, and then Jan 2nd the first yoga practise of the month was uploaded.  I rolled out my matt, tied my hair up, and took some deep breaths.  I cannot explain to you how, even after the first day of yogacamp, I felt a weight lifted.  I felt I was moving in the right direction.  AND GUUURL WAS I RIGHT!

Adriene is from Texas so each upload was at 6am her time, which was 12pm for me in Ireland.  I made a habit of waking up, cleaning, tending to the animals, eating breakfast, and doing a few odd jobs before the video came in.  I felt for the first time in months I was excited to get out of bed, and would become so elated knowing that 12pm was coming soon.  It truly revived a part of me that had been lost for many years, the drive…the excitement…the gratitude..the accomplishment…the self-love.  It got to a point where I was laughing at myself thinking ‘oh my friends want to go out this weekend, buuuuut what about my yogacamp?!’.  That’s another thing that was so important after the breakup, to keep friends close, and to get out the house and enjoy myself.  I couldn’t believe I wanted to stay home alone, not to eat ice cream and feel sorry for myself…but just so I could make sure I got my yogacamp fix!

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I got so used to doing it everyday, and concentrating on each day’s mantra, that I felt I was subconsciously letting myself feel everything I was trying to avoid months before.  That sounds bad, but beforehand I was constantly trying to force myself to be happy and confident, which after I while I realised was the thing holding me back and that was stopping me from moving forward.  Focussing on positive mantras, and only that, until the next day rolled around, kept things small, easier to handle, and approachable.  It wasn’t scary anymore.

On top of all that, I felt part of a community that was separate from the people I know in my life, who didn’t have opinions on what I was going through.  I found that so refreshing, part of a family that had no judgement.  Reading other people’s experiences of the very same videos I was watching, was grounding in itself.

The gratitude I feel for this woman is immense.  She came out of the blue and helped me with deep personal issues I’ve had for years.  And she gave it all out for free.  You can just tell the amount of effort that went into the mantras, the thoughtful poses for each day, the awareness of different levels people may be at, the delicacy with which she handled the intense and overwhelming idea of ‘making self-love cool again’.. all the while making you laugh with her hilarious jokes.  I’ve been doing yoga for years and have never felt so affected by a practise in my life.

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When it all came to an end there is a sadness attached, however I decided to restart it all over again.  I was hopeful that the change in self-love could only double after doing it all again for the next month.  I was right.  I feel the happiest and most at peace I’ve ever felt, I feel strong, beautiful, and capable of tackling anything that comes my way in the future.  Some of those things I never thought I’d say.  It is always a constant journey, but respect it and be patient.  So after all that, I want to say, Thank you Adriene Mishler.  You’ll probably never read this, but I’m sending love and light to you!  I am aware I’m a bit late to post this, a few months after… but I feel it was important to express this and better late than never.

If you are struggling with self-love, or are curious about sticking to yoga practise for 30 days, I cannot recommend this enough.  If that’s not your cup of tea, she has a vast amount of other videos on her channel which I’ll link below.  HAPPY YOGA-ING AND REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELF!

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Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this,

Namaste,

Amy xx

Accept Yourself..

 

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This seems like such a simple issue, one that doesn’t take much thought.  I believe it’s much larger than that.  It’s intense and overwhelming and difficult and time consuming.

In the last year I have felt that I am sure of who I am, what kind of person I want to be.  Going through a large change recently has kind of flipped this idea upside down and left me wondering and thinking about who I am.  I am starting to understand and recognise myself.  In a way I am confident and feel relaxed in myself and my personality.  I haven’t always let my ‘full-self’ out in social situations, and in the past I have tried to force myself into coming out of my shell, which in fact have proved to be the entirely wrong way of doing so.  But hey, we can only learn from our mistakes!

I’m now at peace.. when I am sad, happy, relaxed, uncomfortable, excited, etc.  I have learned to accept all of myself, in all of the emotions (I am a very emotional person!). Although I say that, I am aware it is a journey and I can never fully reach that ‘enlightenment’ within myself. But all that said, I know myself. I am happy with how I act towards people, I (for the most part) don’t care what people’s opinions of me are, because I know me….I know I wouldn’t ever deliberately hurt anyone or cause harm or be unjust. I am my own worst critic, and that’s ok, because it’s how I grow as a person.

WHERE IS THIS GOING! Finding it so hard to express these thoughts in words as it’s not a physical thing that you can put a title on, like anger or sadness or happiness. It’s something that isn’t really tangible. So I’m trying my best!

To try to sum it all up, you are who you are. You don’t need your personality or feelings to be validated by anyone else. At the end of the day, you are with yourself for the rest of your life, so, in my opinion, it’s better to spend time getting to know yourself before you can understand anyone else.  Be your own best friend.  Enjoy spending time with yourself. Accept who you are.  Although I am only at the start of this journey, it has already changed my perspective of not only myself, but the people around me. When you start to sort out your internal problems the external ones start to become easier to handle.  We have a lifetime to figure this out, but taking the first step is a crucial part of the process.

Namaste,

Amy xx

A Bit More Personal…

12243893_1087624467923737_145210343_nRecently I’ve been going through a massive change in my life. I have come out of a nearly 6 year relationship.  Being only 21, I’ve been with this person though very crucial years of my life where you find yourself, you realise who you are, and you spend a lot of time thinking about what direction you want to take in life.  To say that it has been incredibly difficult doesn’t quite capture this feeling.   The pain that I feel can’t be described in words.  This post is going to be very personal, and quite different to anything I’ve written before.  So if this is not something you want to spend time reading, click away now!

In a way what I’m feeling is grief.  I am mourning the loss of a friend, a lover, their family, a lifestyle and all the fuzzy feelings that come with it.  They say that grief comes in 5 stages; denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I don’t feel that these stages are exact, they flow into each other, and I think every single day it’s different.  Denial & isolation definitely came first, it felt like I was in a dream world and nothing was real, that was before the large rush of feelings that came to greet me.  For the last two weeks I have been angry, angry at the other person for certain changes they could have made that may have made it work, angry at their actions following the break up.  It somehow felt easier to move on when anger was felt towards them, it justified it in my mind and made it feel more ‘right’.  Although I respect my process at this time and am trying to have patience, the feelings of anger were a bit extreme.  You can’t change a person, and I really feel I understand that now.  They are going through their own journey, as am I.  I have also recognised the bargaining stage, where I felt that I had chosen the wrong thing, I was being foolish and all of these ‘if only’s’ came flooding through my mind 24/7.  I also blamed myself. During this period I cried a lot, and found it very difficult to sleep.  I had to keep telling myself this happened for a reason.  Right now I feel like I am in the ‘depression’ stage, because i don’t really feel I’ve fully accepted the situation yet.

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One of the hardest things about this big change is the waves it comes in.  Some days I will almost feel ecstatic, happy and ready to face the world single and alone.  Some days I will feel so low and wake up to find myself heading straight into a big crying session.  This makes it so hard because I’m never sure how I will feel the next day.  I am aware I have to have patience and it may even take me years to feel okay with everything.  I am desperate to get away from Ireland, and travel so that the constant reminders of fun times together won’t come into my mind as much. I wonder if this is a false sense of security in travelling, that I’m always looking for something to stop me feeling all the feelings!

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In times like these true friends really show themselves, and I’ve had support from two fantastic friends.  Who have been wary of my situation and have helped me by talking for days on end on a couch aided by some vino. Tears were dropped, laughs at my situation were had, and support has been shown.  However great this is, whenever I return home I feel alone instantly, and sad again.  This is normal, but still not easy.  On another note, the friend’s group I once had is no more, to avoid contact with my ex I don’t go out like I used to, or not with the same people.  Hello anger.  I am angry that this person gets to have that group around him to distract him and I am left to face everything alone.  But all things are relative and I can’t say what he is feeling.  KEEP IT TOGETHER WOMAN!

Time will heal me, and perspective will help me. Change is always hard, and when that involves a person you spent so much loving time with, and now they are gone, I think it’s even harder. *Think positive thoughts and don’t cry* 

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Yes I am aware this is a rambling mess of feelings and probably quite ridiculous to read, for that I apologise. However I want this blog to take a different turn, I want to be more real and honest. And this is just the period I am at right now.  Respect the process.  There is so much more I could say but this post would be far too long. A relevant quote to end this post should be nice and make it seem more put together and less all over the place!

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance” – Alan Watts

This was a very scary post to write so please be kind! I want anyone reading this to know that change is natural, although difficult, and we never know what the future will bring.  If anyone wants to chat or discuss change, feel free to comment below or tweet me @amylauren_b 🙂

Namaste,

Amy xx