A Bit More Personal…

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Recently I’ve been going through a massive change in my life. I have come out of a nearly 6 year relationship.  Being only 21, I’ve been with this person though very crucial years of my life where you find yourself, you realise who you are, and you spend a lot of time thinking about what direction you want to take in life.  To say that it has been incredibly difficult doesn’t quite capture this feeling.   The pain that I feel can’t be described in words.  This post is going to be very personal, and quite different to anything I’ve written before.  So if this is not something you want to spend time reading, click away now!

In a way what I’m feeling is grief.  I am mourning the loss of a friend, a lover, their family, a lifestyle and all the fuzzy feelings that come with it.  They say that grief comes in 5 stages; denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I don’t feel that these stages are exact, they flow into each other, and I think every single day it’s different.  Denial & isolation definitely came first, it felt like I was in a dream world and nothing was real, that was before the large rush of feelings that came to greet me.  For the last two weeks I have been angry, angry at the other person for certain changes they could have made that may have made it work, angry at their actions following the break up.  It somehow felt easier to move on when anger was felt towards them, it justified it in my mind and made it feel more ‘right’.  Although I respect my process at this time and am trying to have patience, the feelings of anger were a bit extreme.  You can’t change a person, and I really feel I understand that now.  They are going through their own journey, as am I.  I have also recognised the bargaining stage, where I felt that I had chosen the wrong thing, I was being foolish and all of these ‘if only’s’ came flooding through my mind 24/7.  I also blamed myself. During this period I cried a lot, and found it very difficult to sleep.  I had to keep telling myself this happened for a reason.  Right now I feel like I am in the ‘depression’ stage, because i don’t really feel I’ve fully accepted the situation yet.

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One of the hardest things about this big change is the waves it comes in.  Some days I will almost feel ecstatic, happy and ready to face the world single and alone.  Some days I will feel so low and wake up to find myself heading straight into a big crying session.  This makes it so hard because I’m never sure how I will feel the next day.  I am aware I have to have patience and it may even take me years to feel okay with everything.  I am desperate to get away from Ireland, and travel so that the constant reminders of fun times together won’t come into my mind as much. I wonder if this is a false sense of security in travelling, that I’m always looking for something to stop me feeling all the feelings!

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In times like these true friends really show themselves, and I’ve had support from two fantastic friends.  Who have been wary of my situation and have helped me by talking for days on end on a couch aided by some vino. Tears were dropped, laughs at my situation were had, and support has been shown.  However great this is, whenever I return home I feel alone instantly, and sad again.  This is normal, but still not easy.  On another note, the friend’s group I once had is no more, to avoid contact with my ex I don’t go out like I used to, or not with the same people.  Hello anger.  I am angry that this person gets to have that group around him to distract him and I am left to face everything alone.  But all things are relative and I can’t say what he is feeling.  KEEP IT TOGETHER WOMAN!

Time will heal me, and perspective will help me. Change is always hard, and when that involves a person you spent so much loving time with, and now they are gone, I think it’s even harder. *Think positive thoughts and don’t cry* 

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Yes I am aware this is a rambling mess of feelings and probably quite ridiculous to read, for that I apologise. However I want this blog to take a different turn, I want to be more real and honest. And this is just the period I am at right now.  Respect the process.  There is so much more I could say but this post would be far too long. A relevant quote to end this post should be nice and make it seem more put together and less all over the place!

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance” – Alan Watts

This was a very scary post to write so please be kind! I want anyone reading this to know that change is natural, although difficult, and we never know what the future will bring.  If anyone wants to chat or discuss change, feel free to comment below or tweet me @amylauren_b 🙂

Namaste,

Amy xx

How I Inspire Myself

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I think the word Inspire can mean many different things to all kinds of people.  It’s something that can fuel so much in your life.  The people you meet, the stories you hear, the places you visit.  Even that inspirational feeling can be manifested from your own mind.  For me, inspiration can come from any experience I have. Believing in yourself is difficult, but I feel it’s something that has given me the drive to push myself forward.

Even this post was inspired by a recent achievement in my life.  Two days ago I was awarded a B.Sc. Environmental Science, and being only 21, having done a 4 year course in something I am so passionate about was a very overwhelming feeling.  I pushed myself so hard, but at the same time I had a lot of patience in myself during that time.  When I was 17, just starting university, I definitely didn’t have much of an insight into what this venture would actually mean to me. Who does at 17 right? Nevertheless, the amount I have learned about myself, life, and other people amazes me.  It makes me excited for the future.  However, reminding me to cherish the present. During school all I wanted was to be out of school, when I started University all I wanted was to be finished my degree, and here I am.  Unemployed and wishing I had a job. The grass isn’t greener on the other side.  It’s a huge lesson i’m only just coming to terms with.  Don’t wish your life away.  Right now, this is when you are living.  Life takes us on many journeys, down different paths, and it all shapes who we are as people.

It is so important to inspire yourself.  Find what your passion is, be it many different things such as myself, or one thing that is special to you, and enjoy it with all your heart. Be patient with yourself to find what you love, and go for it. Inspire yourself, discover what you enjoy, and push yourself to do it. Try to not be scared of the next chapter in life. It is okay to fail, something I have really struggled with, but through these failures we can learn so much.  Embrace your mistakes.  Cherish your insecurities.  Live in the power of now.  Spread positivity, and love with every part of your being.

If you are finding it difficult, looking to others can really help with inspiration.  There are so many people in this world, and I think that everyone comes across someone who really makes an impact.  However small it may be.  Take this and apply it to your own life.  It doesn’t have to be something grand or amazing or huge, as long as it makes you happy and you feel proud of yourself, it’s worth it.

I know this post contains a lot of rambling, and may not excite those who read it, but I feel this needed to be here. For myself, and also for anyone who needs inspiration. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this,

Love and Light always,

Namaste,

Amy xx

Welcome to Turkey : How getting away can clear your mind!

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So I have arrived in Turkey! After the stress of finishing college and doing exams, going on a holiday has never come at such a perfect time. De-stressing and evaulating the frame of mind I am in are my main goals for this trip. Lying in the sun, swimming, and continuing my yoga practice along with the odd meditation session are the activities I plan to incorporate into most of my days here. The second I stepped off that plane and landed on turkish soil I felt a weight lifted. For me, nothing clears my head more than experiencing a different environment from that which I’ve been living in, for what seems like forever. It forces you to take a step back and view how your life has been going recently and thus, have a critical view of your state of happiness. I have been here for 3 days now and not much has happened, which I consider a good thing seeing how we all feel like life has to be constantly busy in order to achieve and progress. I’ve been lying in the sun getting a tan and swimming, without venturing outside the hotel for too long. I did a short and sweet yoga class this morning and it was so beautiful in the morning sun, something I feel I’ll be doing every day! Being content in doing nothing has been a hard thing for me to accept after being so busy for the last 4 years of college. Living in the now, taking in every present moment has been and is still a large lesson for me to learn. Right now I am drinking a cold beer and listening to the mosque calls to prayer, thoroughly enjoying the different experiences and reflecting on my life so far. I am overwhelmed by the beauty of this country, it’s people and the relaxed way of life, reminiscing back to a time when I first visited about 10 years ago when I was too young to understand the history and to appreciate it’s unique culture.

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Using this time to post as much as possible was a big goal of mine before I left Ireland, however looking back now I crave the relaxation associated with no deadlines and pressures. Saying that, this blog is just a breath of fresh air for me because the pressure I have is only there because I decide it is. We can all strive to be better, but we also have to be patient.

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On another note, I’ve been reading a fantastic book that I’d like to share with everyone! It’s called ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff….and it’s all small stuff’ by Richard Carlson and for someone who suffers every single day with anxiety, it’s benefitted me more than I could have imagined. Everyone can learn something from this so I’d advise you pick up a copy 😉 Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this post.

Love and light always,

Namaste,

Amy xx