Where Have I Been?

IMG_9697

I’m not even sure how to start this!  I’ve been in a blogging drought since May and I feel like I need to explain myself.  However that’s very hard when it’s difficult to pin point exactly how you’re feeling.

IMG_9688

So for ages I haven’t been happy with how the blog was going, how I was putting in that work, what I was writing about etc.  I wanted to keep things more personal, more real, more relatable… and less about products and material things.  But when you want to make that kind of change, you have to have feelings or experiences to write about.  My best posts were written when I was going through a big change in my life, and those sorts of big changes don’t come around often.  So then I feel this pressure to feel, to be different and to learn, but you can’t force that kind of thing.  On top of that I am currently unemployed and looking for work, so as much as I love blogging I really have to give 95% percent of my time into changing that.  I’m letting y’all know this because things are hopefully going to be different from now on.

I don’t want my posts to be as long or as intricate because even though I push myself to keep a high standard of content, it stops me from being consistent.  It becomes this big thing in my mind and the pressure I put on myself scares me out of just completing it.  So I want my posts to be shorter, more concise, more direct.  And on any topic I’m thinking about that week or whatever is relevant to my experiences at that time.

IMG_9712

IMG_9699

I want to feel more connected to whoever reads my blog, I want to have good conversations and interactions, so please feel free to tweet me or comment on my instagram and we can start to feel more together.

The photos taken for this post were in Bray, Co. Wicklow, Ireland – on a much needed trip recently to clear my head.

I love you all so much and thanks to anyone who takes time out of their day to read anything here,

Love and light,

Namaste,

Amy xx

UPDATE : So I wrote this post two days ago intending to post it today.  As of two days ago, I NOW HAVE A JOB!  A job I have wanted for a really long time and I am so excited to start.  I wanted to include this, because it’s funny how just as I write about it something changes.  That’s just life though isn’t it!  Love to all you gorgeous people!!

A Bit More Personal…

12243893_1087624467923737_145210343_nRecently I’ve been going through a massive change in my life. I have come out of a nearly 6 year relationship.  Being only 21, I’ve been with this person though very crucial years of my life where you find yourself, you realise who you are, and you spend a lot of time thinking about what direction you want to take in life.  To say that it has been incredibly difficult doesn’t quite capture this feeling.   The pain that I feel can’t be described in words.  This post is going to be very personal, and quite different to anything I’ve written before.  So if this is not something you want to spend time reading, click away now!

In a way what I’m feeling is grief.  I am mourning the loss of a friend, a lover, their family, a lifestyle and all the fuzzy feelings that come with it.  They say that grief comes in 5 stages; denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I don’t feel that these stages are exact, they flow into each other, and I think every single day it’s different.  Denial & isolation definitely came first, it felt like I was in a dream world and nothing was real, that was before the large rush of feelings that came to greet me.  For the last two weeks I have been angry, angry at the other person for certain changes they could have made that may have made it work, angry at their actions following the break up.  It somehow felt easier to move on when anger was felt towards them, it justified it in my mind and made it feel more ‘right’.  Although I respect my process at this time and am trying to have patience, the feelings of anger were a bit extreme.  You can’t change a person, and I really feel I understand that now.  They are going through their own journey, as am I.  I have also recognised the bargaining stage, where I felt that I had chosen the wrong thing, I was being foolish and all of these ‘if only’s’ came flooding through my mind 24/7.  I also blamed myself. During this period I cried a lot, and found it very difficult to sleep.  I had to keep telling myself this happened for a reason.  Right now I feel like I am in the ‘depression’ stage, because i don’t really feel I’ve fully accepted the situation yet.

IMG_7236

One of the hardest things about this big change is the waves it comes in.  Some days I will almost feel ecstatic, happy and ready to face the world single and alone.  Some days I will feel so low and wake up to find myself heading straight into a big crying session.  This makes it so hard because I’m never sure how I will feel the next day.  I am aware I have to have patience and it may even take me years to feel okay with everything.  I am desperate to get away from Ireland, and travel so that the constant reminders of fun times together won’t come into my mind as much. I wonder if this is a false sense of security in travelling, that I’m always looking for something to stop me feeling all the feelings!

IMG_7357

In times like these true friends really show themselves, and I’ve had support from two fantastic friends.  Who have been wary of my situation and have helped me by talking for days on end on a couch aided by some vino. Tears were dropped, laughs at my situation were had, and support has been shown.  However great this is, whenever I return home I feel alone instantly, and sad again.  This is normal, but still not easy.  On another note, the friend’s group I once had is no more, to avoid contact with my ex I don’t go out like I used to, or not with the same people.  Hello anger.  I am angry that this person gets to have that group around him to distract him and I am left to face everything alone.  But all things are relative and I can’t say what he is feeling.  KEEP IT TOGETHER WOMAN!

Time will heal me, and perspective will help me. Change is always hard, and when that involves a person you spent so much loving time with, and now they are gone, I think it’s even harder. *Think positive thoughts and don’t cry* 

IMG_7319

Yes I am aware this is a rambling mess of feelings and probably quite ridiculous to read, for that I apologise. However I want this blog to take a different turn, I want to be more real and honest. And this is just the period I am at right now.  Respect the process.  There is so much more I could say but this post would be far too long. A relevant quote to end this post should be nice and make it seem more put together and less all over the place!

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance” – Alan Watts

This was a very scary post to write so please be kind! I want anyone reading this to know that change is natural, although difficult, and we never know what the future will bring.  If anyone wants to chat or discuss change, feel free to comment below or tweet me @amylauren_b 🙂

Namaste,

Amy xx