Recently I’ve been going through a massive change in my life. I have come out of a nearly 6 year relationship. Being only 21, I’ve been with this person though very crucial years of my life where you find yourself, you realise who you are, and you spend a lot of time thinking about what direction you want to take in life. To say that it has been incredibly difficult doesn’t quite capture this feeling. The pain that I feel can’t be described in words. This post is going to be very personal, and quite different to anything I’ve written before. So if this is not something you want to spend time reading, click away now!
In a way what I’m feeling is grief. I am mourning the loss of a friend, a lover, their family, a lifestyle and all the fuzzy feelings that come with it. They say that grief comes in 5 stages; denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I don’t feel that these stages are exact, they flow into each other, and I think every single day it’s different. Denial & isolation definitely came first, it felt like I was in a dream world and nothing was real, that was before the large rush of feelings that came to greet me. For the last two weeks I have been angry, angry at the other person for certain changes they could have made that may have made it work, angry at their actions following the break up. It somehow felt easier to move on when anger was felt towards them, it justified it in my mind and made it feel more ‘right’. Although I respect my process at this time and am trying to have patience, the feelings of anger were a bit extreme. You can’t change a person, and I really feel I understand that now. They are going through their own journey, as am I. I have also recognised the bargaining stage, where I felt that I had chosen the wrong thing, I was being foolish and all of these ‘if only’s’ came flooding through my mind 24/7. I also blamed myself. During this period I cried a lot, and found it very difficult to sleep. I had to keep telling myself this happened for a reason. Right now I feel like I am in the ‘depression’ stage, because i don’t really feel I’ve fully accepted the situation yet.
One of the hardest things about this big change is the waves it comes in. Some days I will almost feel ecstatic, happy and ready to face the world single and alone. Some days I will feel so low and wake up to find myself heading straight into a big crying session. This makes it so hard because I’m never sure how I will feel the next day. I am aware I have to have patience and it may even take me years to feel okay with everything. I am desperate to get away from Ireland, and travel so that the constant reminders of fun times together won’t come into my mind as much. I wonder if this is a false sense of security in travelling, that I’m always looking for something to stop me feeling all the feelings!
In times like these true friends really show themselves, and I’ve had support from two fantastic friends. Who have been wary of my situation and have helped me by talking for days on end on a couch aided by some vino. Tears were dropped, laughs at my situation were had, and support has been shown. However great this is, whenever I return home I feel alone instantly, and sad again. This is normal, but still not easy. On another note, the friend’s group I once had is no more, to avoid contact with my ex I don’t go out like I used to, or not with the same people. Hello anger. I am angry that this person gets to have that group around him to distract him and I am left to face everything alone. But all things are relative and I can’t say what he is feeling. KEEP IT TOGETHER WOMAN!
Time will heal me, and perspective will help me. Change is always hard, and when that involves a person you spent so much loving time with, and now they are gone, I think it’s even harder. *Think positive thoughts and don’t cry*
Yes I am aware this is a rambling mess of feelings and probably quite ridiculous to read, for that I apologise. However I want this blog to take a different turn, I want to be more real and honest. And this is just the period I am at right now. Respect the process. There is so much more I could say but this post would be far too long. A relevant quote to end this post should be nice and make it seem more put together and less all over the place!
“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance” – Alan Watts
This was a very scary post to write so please be kind! I want anyone reading this to know that change is natural, although difficult, and we never know what the future will bring. If anyone wants to chat or discuss change, feel free to comment below or tweet me @amylauren_b 🙂