Accept Yourself..

 

IMG_7456

This seems like such a simple issue, one that doesn’t take much thought.  I believe it’s much larger than that.  It’s intense and overwhelming and difficult and time consuming.

In the last year I have felt that I am sure of who I am, what kind of person I want to be.  Going through a large change recently has kind of flipped this idea upside down and left me wondering and thinking about who I am.  I am starting to understand and recognise myself.  In a way I am confident and feel relaxed in myself and my personality.  I haven’t always let my ‘full-self’ out in social situations, and in the past I have tried to force myself into coming out of my shell, which in fact have proved to be the entirely wrong way of doing so.  But hey, we can only learn from our mistakes!

I’m now at peace.. when I am sad, happy, relaxed, uncomfortable, excited, etc.  I have learned to accept all of myself, in all of the emotions (I am a very emotional person!). Although I say that, I am aware it is a journey and I can never fully reach that ‘enlightenment’ within myself. But all that said, I know myself. I am happy with how I act towards people, I (for the most part) don’t care what people’s opinions of me are, because I know me….I know I wouldn’t ever deliberately hurt anyone or cause harm or be unjust. I am my own worst critic, and that’s ok, because it’s how I grow as a person.

WHERE IS THIS GOING! Finding it so hard to express these thoughts in words as it’s not a physical thing that you can put a title on, like anger or sadness or happiness. It’s something that isn’t really tangible. So I’m trying my best!

To try to sum it all up, you are who you are. You don’t need your personality or feelings to be validated by anyone else. At the end of the day, you are with yourself for the rest of your life, so, in my opinion, it’s better to spend time getting to know yourself before you can understand anyone else.  Be your own best friend.  Enjoy spending time with yourself. Accept who you are.  Although I am only at the start of this journey, it has already changed my perspective of not only myself, but the people around me. When you start to sort out your internal problems the external ones start to become easier to handle.  We have a lifetime to figure this out, but taking the first step is a crucial part of the process.

Namaste,

Amy xx

A Bit More Personal…

12243893_1087624467923737_145210343_n

Recently I’ve been going through a massive change in my life. I have come out of a nearly 6 year relationship.  Being only 21, I’ve been with this person though very crucial years of my life where you find yourself, you realise who you are, and you spend a lot of time thinking about what direction you want to take in life.  To say that it has been incredibly difficult doesn’t quite capture this feeling.   The pain that I feel can’t be described in words.  This post is going to be very personal, and quite different to anything I’ve written before.  So if this is not something you want to spend time reading, click away now!

In a way what I’m feeling is grief.  I am mourning the loss of a friend, a lover, their family, a lifestyle and all the fuzzy feelings that come with it.  They say that grief comes in 5 stages; denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I don’t feel that these stages are exact, they flow into each other, and I think every single day it’s different.  Denial & isolation definitely came first, it felt like I was in a dream world and nothing was real, that was before the large rush of feelings that came to greet me.  For the last two weeks I have been angry, angry at the other person for certain changes they could have made that may have made it work, angry at their actions following the break up.  It somehow felt easier to move on when anger was felt towards them, it justified it in my mind and made it feel more ‘right’.  Although I respect my process at this time and am trying to have patience, the feelings of anger were a bit extreme.  You can’t change a person, and I really feel I understand that now.  They are going through their own journey, as am I.  I have also recognised the bargaining stage, where I felt that I had chosen the wrong thing, I was being foolish and all of these ‘if only’s’ came flooding through my mind 24/7.  I also blamed myself. During this period I cried a lot, and found it very difficult to sleep.  I had to keep telling myself this happened for a reason.  Right now I feel like I am in the ‘depression’ stage, because i don’t really feel I’ve fully accepted the situation yet.

IMG_7236

One of the hardest things about this big change is the waves it comes in.  Some days I will almost feel ecstatic, happy and ready to face the world single and alone.  Some days I will feel so low and wake up to find myself heading straight into a big crying session.  This makes it so hard because I’m never sure how I will feel the next day.  I am aware I have to have patience and it may even take me years to feel okay with everything.  I am desperate to get away from Ireland, and travel so that the constant reminders of fun times together won’t come into my mind as much. I wonder if this is a false sense of security in travelling, that I’m always looking for something to stop me feeling all the feelings!

IMG_7357

In times like these true friends really show themselves, and I’ve had support from two fantastic friends.  Who have been wary of my situation and have helped me by talking for days on end on a couch aided by some vino. Tears were dropped, laughs at my situation were had, and support has been shown.  However great this is, whenever I return home I feel alone instantly, and sad again.  This is normal, but still not easy.  On another note, the friend’s group I once had is no more, to avoid contact with my ex I don’t go out like I used to, or not with the same people.  Hello anger.  I am angry that this person gets to have that group around him to distract him and I am left to face everything alone.  But all things are relative and I can’t say what he is feeling.  KEEP IT TOGETHER WOMAN!

Time will heal me, and perspective will help me. Change is always hard, and when that involves a person you spent so much loving time with, and now they are gone, I think it’s even harder. *Think positive thoughts and don’t cry* 

IMG_7319

Yes I am aware this is a rambling mess of feelings and probably quite ridiculous to read, for that I apologise. However I want this blog to take a different turn, I want to be more real and honest. And this is just the period I am at right now.  Respect the process.  There is so much more I could say but this post would be far too long. A relevant quote to end this post should be nice and make it seem more put together and less all over the place!

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance” – Alan Watts

This was a very scary post to write so please be kind! I want anyone reading this to know that change is natural, although difficult, and we never know what the future will bring.  If anyone wants to chat or discuss change, feel free to comment below or tweet me @amylauren_b 🙂

Namaste,

Amy xx